So. What. If.

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

-Letters to Juliet


Sitting the other day watching this movie with my best friend, and the letter that the main character writes to Claire really hit home. (if you haven't seen the movie, rent it. NOW) It made me think about, WHAT IF. Anyone who knows me, knows that in the love department I have endured a lot of tragedy to get to a place of peace. Starting off with my high school relationship which was always just short of enough. I wasn't happy enough, satisfied enough, or perfect enough to make it last. Bless his heart for putting me out of my misery since I was too stubborn and too worried about having a perfect life to end it all myself.

From that break up I became a mess. A home became just a house I didn't want to see anymore. I lost friends, had a hard time with my family, and lost myself along the way. Then came the joy and heartache of trying to find myself. I ended up filling the void in my heart with all the wrong people. The bad boys, the stupid boys, and then the boys that should have stayed just my best friends. I had fun, I made mistakes, and I learned there is much more to life than being a sweet little housewife. I found my style, my drive, and my ambition all over again.

Then came a series of events that blew my world away. I lost someone I loved so dearly in such a tragic way it still doesn't feel real to me. I still expect to see him one day. Walking down the path in the park we used to play in, sitting on the curb of the parking lot we used to talk for hours on. He still feels real. After that I submerged myself into party upon party, flirtatious relationship after flirtatious relationship, but the hole remained the same.

Then I met someone. He was kind, and fun, and made me want to stay home and watch movies more than go out and act crazy. He was like this magnetic force for me. Brought me back to earth, life, and reality. I spent about 6 months getting to know him and his friends and family, but something was off. The whole time he swore he didn't want to settle down, didn't want a relationship. Here I was, the girl scared to ask. He made me happy, what if asking him to commit drove him away. What if he LEFT me too. We were always together, we both knew we were the only ones in each others lives. We just wouldn't say it. Looking back I don't understand why. We were happy, and functional, and never really fought. Most people would have thought we were perfect for each other. My friends loved him, I adored his family, everything should have been just fine.


We were happy, he was good to me, made me feel beautiful again, made me want to work on myself and my life. Because of him I changed. Needless to say about 2 and a half years ago all of that changed because I met Joe. Talk about a whirlwind. For the first few months I tried to handle both. I told myself that if he wouldn't commit to me I didn't owe him an explanation for dating Joe. I would go out with Joe on a Friday and stay home with him on Saturday. I thought I was living the life. 

All that changed when I realized one night that I was falling for Joe, that I didn't call the other guy as much, he was the one always calling me. I was making excuses. He knew I was dating someone else. He didn't want to be in a relationship with me remember? So that makes it all just fine in my head. I finally stop talking to him all together about 2 months into my relationship with Joe. One night, Joe and I have about the only fight we have ever had in our relationship. February I think. I need to get away. I call up some old girlfriends, and we are going out. In a moment of weakness I call him too. He always knew what to say, how to make me feel good.  We had a blast, drank a little too much, and went back to my house. 

I know what you are thinking... nothing happened. I actually ended up crying my eyes out  in his lap because I knew that no matter how good he was to me I wasn't going to ever be with him again. I was fighting with Joe, but that didn't change the fact that I loved Joe, we may not have said it for another 2 years, but I did. I knew I did.  He was perfect. He let me cry about it, didn't get angry with me. (or if he did he didn't say so)  We didn't talk about it again. In fact other than a little "hey how are you" we didn't talk for months. No fighting, no big break up, we just knew it was over.

I had the same problems with Joe, everyone knows that he didn't want to commit, didn't want to be in a relationship. It was frustrating to say the least. One day at my weakest point I told the other guy how I didn't understand how no one wanted to TRULY be with me. I heard the words I wanted to hear, "I should have when I had the chance" For 5 seconds I thought... What if....

Of course I didn't say anything, didn't change my mind. I just remembered thinking What If last time and not acting on it. He made me realize that I needed to stand up for what I wanted. I eventually stood up to Joe one too many times and he finally came around and realized that I wasn't going anywhere. I had the commitment I longed for.

I'm happy, I have a wonderful life, and I am lucky to live the life that I live. I have moved on from him, but the other day I noticed a picture of him, with this pretty girl. She looks like she's wonderful. Has great values, naturally beautiful, and a girl I'm sure his whole family loves. He's "In a Relationship" with her. For a second you feel a little shock, a little bit of pain, and a little insecurity. But those 2 words didn't pop into my head. I didn't think What If... I thought SO what, if. So what, if he committed to her and not me. Yes, it stings, but it doesn't devalue our feelings, it doesn't cheapen our friendship. So what, if he finally grew up and it wasn't with me. I'm happy for him, I wish him all the best things in the whole world. He was there for me when no one else really cared. So what, if he found someone again. 3 years later, he deserves it. So what. Doesn't mean it doesn't sting a little. But so what. If it was my place to be beside him, I wouldn't be beside the wonderful amazing man that I am beside today. 

There are a million "What Ifs" in life, but if you dwell on the what if and not the what is, you will never be truly happy. "What if" is definitely not better than what is. The world doesn't revolve around if. So turn your what ifs into what is. If it's important, fight for it. If it isn't, then there is obviously something better in store for you down the road.